The Noble Sprout

I've gotten a little more into brussels sprouts lately. Since Christmas, I've had them at dinner 4 times. (That's in a week.) Trying new ways of cooking them to make them go with everything... next goal = brussels sprout pasta! Maybe with bacon?
In other food-related news, I made the best vegetarian broccoli soup I've ever made yesterday. If I like you, and you love broccoli and cheese, I might hook you up. It's stellar.
I had a nice week or so in Halifax, a couple great days in Moncton, and a couple days at my mother's on the south shore. (Also: why does Moncton come up as misspelled every time I write it, and why isn't it a recognized city for me to check the weather on my ipod?) I got a lot of lovely things, and I saw even more lovely people... not nearly everyone I would have liked, but I really enjoyed the time I got to spend with some of my favorite East coasters.
Today has been all about sleeping, staying in pyjamas, and eating (...brussels sprouts). I'm going to watch Wet Hot American Summer and hope to be in bed by 10.
Resolutions are bullshit. Why do people bother?

Welcome Back, Kotter!

Okay. It’s been a while. Backing up, I went to New York and had an amazing time. We walked for days, met some (ahem) interesting people, ate some great food, and saw some really fucking cool shit. (Taco Bell and late night drunken McDonalds aside, of course.) One thing I’d never done before was the NBC studio tour; it was a lot more historical than I thought it would be, but super neat. We saw Brian Williams’ set (!!! See above photo, of course) and checked out the SNL studio, took a ton of cheesy pictures, and accidentally flirted with tour guides. (Sort of accidentally.) This was also when I decided I am officially too old to be doing shots. At 22, I’m hitting that “I’m too old for this shit” Murtaugh stage. Sad? Maybe. But don’t worry; I’m not quite ready to be a responsible grownup yet. A pleasant mid-20s limbo will suit me just fine for the next few years.
Last week – wait, 2 weeks ago – I went out East. It was great to see a bunch of people, but I didn’t get to see everyone I would have liked and even those I did get to see felt a little rushed. Some of my closest friends were unavailable during the only times I could see them (people I know who have kids in Halifax, when I was only free in the evenings because of family and work stuff; people in Moncton who were working nonstop), which sucked. It was bad timing for me to be down there, but family reasons made it the only time I could go and not get yelled at by my mother. Very few people have met her, and those who have are generally unnerved and/or a little scared of her. This afternoon I had a scary dream about her, actually. So I know that the rules dictate I do not cross her. She was already ticked that I wasn’t staying in Chester with her for more than a day, I wasn’t going to risk anymore of that animosity by changing the dates I was coming down to not coincide with her vacation. Like anyone who knows the feeling of having to visit home, it was alternatively stressful, frustrating, pleasant, boring, and filled with days of trying to hide every bad habit I have. I was glad to get home.

Chester, last summer. Pretty. Too quiet.

For the past 6 months or so I’ve been borrowing (yeah, borrowing) internet from my upstairs neighbor. She doesn’t know well enough to lock her network, what does she expect, right? Problem is, now she’s moved to the Bahamas to marry some old friend of hers and work for a windsurfing company or something, and now I need to make a decision about my internet. While this may seem like a simple thing to deal with, I’m completely wrapped up in it. I could get digital cable with a PVR receiver that lets me record shows that I’m out for, and watch them whenever I want. Think of all the Law and Order and Simpsons episodes I can’t download that would become available to me! I’m not a big TV person, in the watching-it-for-lack-of-something-better-to-do sense, but at the same time it’s something I can see being a really fucking enjoyable luxury. Also would decrease the need for me to have super high bandwidth and a large download allowance. I can get this package for roughly the same that I was paying before for basic cable and internet that didn’t even work well with my router, so it’s pretty tempting. On the other hand, I can just get a really high speed connection for probably less money and use that to download whatever I want to watch, which is what I’ve been doing for the past few years anyway. But then there’s news programming, and hockey games, and shows that are un-downloadable. Then there are a bunch of contracts that are involved in all these deals, which is even more confusing. Yeah, this is probably only interesting to me, but if anyone’s got insight I would love to hear about it. I want to make this decision as quickly as possible, because going to the café down the street for hours at a time is starting to get old.
I registered for some classes today. I basically went through and quickly registered for anything that looked interesting that had availability. My registration days opened up back in April, but I couldn’t finish paying off my tuition from last semester until the end of July so I couldn’t go for anything. I know I really need to get a bunch of prerequisites out of the way, but I also want to really think about if I should switch my degree from English and history to just history. Today I downloaded the requirements, I think I remember what credits I have, and I’ll see what I can do in the least amount of time. As it is, I think I might have some interesting classes if I can stick with some of the current choices. Maybe a shitty schedule, but whatever. I’m also thinking of getting more work – I know that part of the reason I completely lost interest last semester is that I just wasn’t busy enough. I’m used to working part/full-time, going to school full time, and keeping myself busy; when I don’t, I get totally lethargic (and stop using words like lethargic, opting for 2 syllables or less). I think the number of semicolons in this show my renewed enthusiasm in being productive and not as brain dead. I hope it works.
Ooh. Back to TV, it’s Mad Men day! Season 3 starts tonight. Tomorrow morning I’ll be at the Concordia library by 8:30 to find a streaming link and watch. If it’s anything like last night, I’ll be passed out by 9:30. PARTY.
(Posting this morning, that is exactly what happened.)

...and just like that, I lost my head.

Cheating. It's one of those things that carries such a huge stigma, and deservedly so. But it's also one of the most universal experiences in the world. Cheating and betrayal, which someone told me recently was "the one experience everyone can relate to." Now, before you try and talk me off a ledge, this isn't something that I'm particularly affected by right now, but it's just been cropping up in a few conversations lately and I've been thinking about it. I've been on every end of it; I've been cheated on, repeatedly. I cheated on my boyfriend, in retaliation for his infidelity (not the most mature response). I've been the girl that guys cheat on their girlfriends with. That one's the worst. Besides the self-loathing that comes with the package, you've got to worry about the other person finding out and punching you in the face. But sometimes the temptation is irresistible.
A few years ago, I was in a pretty unhealthy relationship. It was fun for a while, and then it was work, but I didn't want to give up because I was not that person. I was not the person who got invested in something and then just walked away, even when I knew it was the best thing for both of us. I think on some level neither one of us wanted to let the other down, and that's why it lasted for a year and a half longer than it should have. He wanted to be the boyfriend he thought I needed, and I wanted to change him so that he didn't end up dead in 5 years from an overdose or alcohol poisoning. Eventually, instead of deciding that it would be a good idea for us to go our separate ways, we moved in together. Millions of complications later, I found out that he'd cheated on me. And I proceeded to have a months-long affair with someone I worked with.
It wasn't just the thrill of knowing we could get caught at any point that kept it going. It was the basic idea that neither of us were getting what we wanted or needed out of our respective relationships, and while we did not want to be together in any real sense we also didn't want to risk being alone again. (unrelated: just found a sesame seed on my knee. can't remember the last time there was something with sesame seeds in my kitchen, and apparently I need to clean my cupboards.) I don't regret it. I regretted it when his girlfriend found out, I regretted it when I had to work with her almost every day for another month, and I probably felt bad for her for a little while. Not as bad as if she hadn't told me about the guys she'd been fucking for the past year of their relationship, but I did feel bad. We weren't friends, but we had a cordial relationship that worked smoothly. What I mean is that it was something that really did help me grow, and made me realize that I needed to be alone for a while. I had to get over that fear of not coming home to someone, or having someone to balance out the crazy in me when I get a wild idea. And I put up with a hell of a lot less now, which is also significant. Of course, I haven't really been in a relationship since that last boyfriend, which was almost 2 years ago now. I'm a little worried that I might finally understand too much about people, that really being happy with someone else is incredibly rare and complicated and hard to sustain. But I think I'm finally willing to try.
Edit: here's an article from today's New York Times about how marriages in the US are stronger than you'd think.

WELL!

So. I guess I've been doing this for over a year, and I wasted my 1 year anniversary on a whiny rant. Well played, Victoria.
I still don't know what this whole thing is about. I thought that if I kept it up, eventually I'd come up with some sort of theme. I didn't. I think I'm okay with that. Random updates are pretty fun anyway, right guys?
I'm working tonight, at the school bar again. I guess it's just "the bar" now. I usually save "the bar" for the bar down the street that I frequented nonstop when I first moved here, and still stop by occasionally, but I think the past year has bumped Reggie's up to #1. I keep having strange encounters with regulars I don't remember. Yesterday, for example, I went in to get my new phone pimped out (hey! I got a blackberry thanks to an amazing girl in Moncton and now I can't stop playing with it!) and after talking to the dude who was taking care of me for about 5 minutes he asked me if I was hitting up Reggie's tonight. Apparently he thought I remembered him, even though I was just being my ebullient (nice word, amirite?!) self. Then I felt kind of guilty. But he hooked me up with some sweet dealz, and I just promised that I'd buy him a drink sometime.
I keep accidentally deleting things on the phone, but now I'm starting to get the hang of it. I've progressed to adding music and playlists on there, so when I'm heading downtown or out somewhere with a specific purpose and probably just want some music for the metro ride I don't need to bring an iPod with me. Convenient!
The shitty side to working tonight is that I'm missing out on Joel Plaskett. I looooove JP shows, and an old close friend plays in his band, and I was super looking forward to this show. Unfortunately, my desperate financial situation has warranted choosing work over funtimes. I think we're still meeting up for dinner and/or breakfast tomorrow morning, but there's nothing like listening to a crowd singing along to True Patriot Love, Down at the Khyber, or Love This Town in Halifax. There aren't many times when I really miss that city, but listening to that song along with a few hundred displaced Maritimers and superfans is one of them. I think it's probably a lot like hearing One Great City! in Winnipeg. Except, you know, less ironic. I think I have a soft spot for JP because my first real relationship started with glances at each other at a couple of his shows, and the next few years included a lot of stupid inside jokes about Joel and his songs. And, of course, many more shows. He's an artist that I will always associate with one person, which really sucked when we broke up (ahem, each and every time we broke up) but mostly just leaves me with fond memories now.
I'm doing laundry for the first time since I came back from Moncton. I feel like a bit of a dirtbag. I really want to wear my new green-with-white-polka-dots summery halter top to work, but I think I need to fight that urge. First, I'd probably spill shit all over it. Second, it's a little ridiculous looking and the only way I think it'll really work on me is with a pair of denim capris and silly heels. I can't pull these things off. I buy lovely clothes sometimes, and then realize that most of them just plain don't suit me. Ah well, a sale is a sale and I'll find somewhere to wear it. When the mood strikes, and it's something do-able (i.e. I'm going somewhere that does not require me to bend over constantly) it's nice to have interesting clothing. I'll let you know if such occasions ever actually occur.
For now, here's a little of what most of us are missing tonight. I'm going to fold, and then try on 5 or 6 shirts and end up going with the first one.