Dear Kate:

This is a cake. I'm thinking we hire this guy for the next birthday coming up.. Don's?
This is from Cake Wrecks, who normally post side-splittingly funny comments and pictures of terrible cakes and/or misprints. Check it out. Hours of fun.

Warning: ER hazardous to your health

I had to check the news source twice to make sure this story wasn't on the onion, but it's totally cbc: Man dead 'for some time' in Winnipeg ER before staff alerted. You can't make this stuff up.

FYI

If you want to read a real writer's turn at Emmy liveblogging, check out Sarah Hepola's here because she is much funnier than I will ever be.

A Very Special Evening With...

I never (EVER) watch awards shows, but tonight I feel like there's really nothing else on. Besides, I have homework to do, and actually getting it done will clear my Tomorrow list. So! Live-blogging the Emmys! Usually, live-blogging is used for political speeches or something equally irrelevant; for this reason, I think tonight's rather appropriate. Time to go on about something very few people care about!

8:05 - Show's a-startin'. What a bore. Reality host nominees as hosts? What, the 5 most recent American Idol winners weren't available? They're just as boring. C'mon. They drone on and on about how they have nothing prepared, and they haven't written anything, and they went to Ryan Seacrest's house (to be honest, I'm not entirely sure which one he is, or why he's famous). I see Heidi Klum, that Hollywood Squares guy, the Survivor guy, the guy who reminds me a little of Jeff Goldblum but who's not as interesting except for his germaphobia (OH! REFERENCED IN THE OPENING! WELL DONE!), and then some blonde dude. I'm bored already... maybe this wasn't such a good idea. CSI must be on somewhere, and it's got to be funnier than this shit.

8:32 - Juuuust got better. Neil Patrick Harris and Shatner both lost their nominations, and those were the only two I really cared about anyway. But! Bright side! Ricky Gervais is presenting... something... and he and Steve Carrell are having a nice moment of staring each other down. Apparently last year he won for Extras, and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert gave his Emmy to Carrell because Gervais wasn't there. Now Gervais is trying to steal his back. I bet the tech guys are going crazy right now. "What the fuck is this?! That guy from the Office looks pissed, do you think he's in on it? Oh SHIT! He TOTALLY IS! OK, it's ok everyone, let's just let it play out... wait for it... ok, let's cut off some mics... never mind, they're finally getting to the nominees."

8:47 - Tommy Smothers, I think, just got a great lifetime achievement award from Steve Martin. Now, I have no idea who this dude is, but apparently Martin wrote for him, and that's good enough for me. What is it about a standing ovation that makes everyone tear up? I know I am. Maybe that's just me. But I'm pretty sure it's everyone. This little old dude's going on about liars in government or something along those lines, and everyone's applauding. Way to go.

8:50 - Conan just burned Katherine Heigl. OHSNAP

9:01 - Josh Groban's doing a medley of TV theme songs. This is really confusing, and pretty annoying. Quick, ones I can identify: Jeffersons (now), Simpsons, Friends, Law & Order chimes, Addams Family, Twilight Zone, Baywatch, uuuh.. Love Boat?, Brady Bunch, Cops, Fresh Prince (nothing better than an opera singer doing Will Smith), Late Night show medley, something about men, Gilligan's Island, MASH, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, lady with a Dorothy Hamill(?) haircut. OK, thank god they've moved on to Alec Baldwin. This I can understand. He's talking about being a perv. Love it. To give you an idea of how long that song was, it's now 9:06.

9:08 - Laura Linney just called someone a "ballast." Now I need to look it up and see if it's an insult. God, this is a lot of work.

There are a LOT of commercials on TV. No wonder I don't usually bother. Oh! A Beautiful Mind's on! That British dude's fi-iiine.

9:15 - This is apparently a "Laugh-In" reference presentation. I don't know what they're presenting for, or what's going on. Ehhh? Whatever the category was, it went to Jon Stewart. Bravo. Great job getting a pen jabbed in your eye in The Faculty, Jon Stewart, because that's what I decided this award is for.

9:22 - nervous Pushing Daisies director-guy is reading a loooong speech. He's totally gonna get cut off. I wish Paul Lieberstein had won, or Paul Feig because he's a genius. So far The Office is 0 for 3, so I want a win soon. Lee and Gene, my favourite Office writers, are up for the next one (writing). Let's see what happens!

9:25 - fuck! Tina Fey. Oh well, 30 Rock is awesome too. But I'm in love with Gene Stupnitsky, and not Tina Fey.

9:33 - Martin Sheen looks really short. I'm looking that up. 5'7".

9:46 - I've gotta say, I have no idea what half of these shows and movies are. Never heard of 'em. But the guy who just won (for something called "John Addams" flashed to Tom Hanks, and I think he's wearing rhinestone glasses. And they just cut to commercial in the middle of his speech. oh, and they all seem to be telling me to vote. Can't believe the news of the Canadian Federal Election's such a big deal in Hollywood!

spoiler alert: RUSSELL CROWE IS SCHIZOPHRENIC. Back to the Emmys.

9:56 - Kathy Griffin just yelled at everyone to "GET. UP." for Don Rickles. His response: "why is everyone standing? is it a Jewish holday?" After some more quality banter, he adds, "there's a guy waving at me. What, is there a plane landing?" That's probably going to be the highlight of the show, I should quit while I'm ahead.

10:10 - Don Rickles just won another Emmy, with another standing ovation. More tears! More Tears! "It's a mistake! I've been in the business for 55 years, and the biggest award I got was an ashtray from the Friars Club in New York." Hah! No one's trying to rush this guy off the stage. I bet he could speak for an hour, and no cue music would be on.

10:12 - I think Kate Walsh just gave the most flat introduction to an award. EVER.

10:27 - Looks like Alec Baldwin's got a hot young blonde on his arm tonight. Score, dude. He just won for actor in a comedy (and well-deserved, too.. but I did want steve carrell to win something), and I love watching the whole show just stand up and get all crazy-like. It happens with every group, and it's awesome. So cute!
Oops, sound problems! Someone's mic isn't working... nope, we can hear Vanessa L. Williams again. Too bad.

10:30 - time for the montage of people who died last year. Way to bum everyone out, Emmys.

10:42 - Tina Fey wins again! Says she won because she acts like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, so thanks to her. Well played, Tina Fey. Well. Played.

10:57 - Final award goes to Mad Men, well deserved. Disappointed that Boston Legal didn't win anything, but at least Shatner was on stage.

Well, I hope that if you didn't watch (which I'll assume is most of you) you don't feel like you missed anything. There's a cheesecake brownie with my name on it waiting in the fridge.

Man for Young Girl to Become My Wife

I'm a regular reader of the pop culture blog YesButNoButYes. Lots of great stories, links, funny rants. All-in-all, an enjoyable stop.
I hadn't looked at it all weekend, but then this morning I decided to catch up. Man, am I ever glad I did. There's an excerpt from a 2 page personal ad from some man in his 50s, looking for a new wife - but not just any new wife. First, read through the 19
"Quick Disqualification" items. Then move on to the qualifications - he's detail-oriented, that's for sure. Knows exactly what bra sizes he's okay with, and which he isn't.
Then come the religious aspects of the ad, which explain that he is a True Christian looking for a wife to serve and obey him (this is one of my favourites): "I want a woman whose goal is to be praised by God with the same praise God gave Sarah, Abraham’s wife, that is, God praised her for her servant attitude and obedience to her husband even to the point that Sarah called her husband lord and master."
Another favourite line: "I only want a girl who can legally marry me, so don’t worry, girls under a certain age must get written permission from their guardian to legally marry."
Brilliant!
Edit: just found another gem..."A woman who has sex with a man before marriage is gullible and lacks sense and has no self respect, but rather low self esteem. "
If you've got a few minutes, and I've made you insanely curious, click on over here to check out the rest of it yourself.

Cheesecake Brownies

I made a cheesecake a few weeks ago, and I mistakenly bought an extra 8 oz. package of light cream cheese. I've been thinking about how to use it up in a delicious way, and I found some interesting recipes but none were exactly right. Since I was characteristically lazy today, I opted for the simplest and quickest way possible to make them. And they are awesome. I couldn't find a recipe that gave good ratios for the cheesecake part of the ingredients, so I made up my own!

Here's the deal:
-mix one of those pre-made brownie packages as per directions. If you're up for it (and it takes almost no time anyway, but I already had a decent pile of dishes to do and I didn't want to add more measuring utensils), make your own. Enough to fill an 8"x8" glass baking pan, anyway. After that's all mixed up, in another smaller bowl take your softened cream cheese and beat it until it's nice and creamy (that's what she said). mix in one egg and 1/4c. sugar, and a dash of pure vanilla extract (another option would be a dash of strong coffee or a teaspoon of instant espresso powder). Mix it up real good, with electric beaters if you have them, or a spatula if you don't (like me. my wrist's aching like a bitch [again, that's what she said]). Spread half of the brownie mix into a greased brownie pan, then throw in the cheesecake part. try and spread it evenly over the brownie layer if you can. Spread the other half of the brownie mix on top, and use a knife or a blunt spatula to swirl the batters together which makes a nice marble effect on your final product. Bake at 350 for about 35 minutes - when I first took it out I thought it wasn't all cooked, but the toothpick test worked. Let stand at least 10 minutes before slicing. So good!

SUSPICIOUS VANS

I can't believe that this is a real website, but I'm impressed. Suspicious Vans!

yum,

Today I give you... a Full English Breakfast set on Flickr.

One-Pot Rice & Pork Chops

Sometimes Karley posts awesome recipes she's tried on her blog, so I'm going to do the same. This is quick and easy, and doesn't take a lot/any real attention. I used 3 boneless pork chops (and I think it'll work nicely with chicken too), a package of wild herb rice, no parsley (because I'm afraid of leafy green herbs), and doubled the pepper. Also, I covered it with thai chili sauce afterwards. But I'm sure it's great this way too.

1/4 cup (50 mL) chopped fresh parsley
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tbsp (15 mL) ground cumin
1/2 tsp (2 mL) each salt and pepper
1/4 tsp (1 mL) cayenne pepper
4 bone-in pork loin chops
2 tbsp (25 mL) vegetable oil
2 cups (500 mL) chicken stock
1-1/2 cups (375 mL) long-grain rice
1 cup (250 mL) corn kernels


In bowl, mix together half of the parsley, the garlic, cumin, salt, pepper and cayenne; rub over chops.

In Dutch oven, heat oil over medium-high heat; brown chops, turning once, about 4 minutes. Transfer to plate.
Drain off fat in pan. Add stock and 1 cup (250 mL) water; bring to boil, stirring. Add rice and corn; reduce heat, cover and simmer for 10 minutes. Stir in remaining parsley.

Nestle pork and any accumulated juices in rice; cook until rice is tender, liquid is absorbed and just a hint of pink remains inside chops, 10 minutes.

makes at least 4 servings!

Print for the Drive Home

One of my favourite writers, Sarah Hepola, wrote a great little story for The Morning News Today: The Secret Journal of Levi Johnston. Checkit.

Today's Obvious News:

Officials at a leading U.S. family group are calling for advertisers to boycott TV network the CW over a controversial scene in the new Beverly Hills, 90210 spin-off 90210.

Just 10 minutes into the new series, which debuted in America last week, lead actor Dustin Milligan appeared to be receiving fellatio from a girlfriend in his truck - and the scene has upset the Parents Television Council.

In a statement, PTC president Tim Winter writes, "The CW Network has openly, wantonly and eagerly violated every business tenet of the broadcast industry.

"They shocked viewers during the family hour by depicting high school children engaged in oral sex in their car. It's such a sucker punch to viewers and a lot of families. No one tuned in to 90210 thinking, 'Hey, maybe I will get to see (oral sex).'"

...*hand raises*
Pretty sure we all did. C'mon. Were you expecting some scandalous hand-holding?

I went to a rave last night, and all I could think of was "why, oh why, do so many people enjoy this experience?" I mean, it's repetitive music, spastic dancing, floors slick with spilled booze, and a huge crowd of people. I honestly don't see the appeal. I suppose if I were really really high it might be fun, but even then I can just see it being a little too trippy and I think I'd start freaking out about all the flashing lights.
I repeatedly left to go and get some air (and enjoy some not-so-fresh air), mostly just to get out of that room. I ended up calling a friend (for lack of a better term) in Alberta, because he was someone I knew would understand why I needed a break, and provide me with some great conversation. That's the thing about this person - great conversation. I could talk to him for hours. Hell, I have talked to him for hours. We only got about 20 minutes in, because it was finally time to get the hell out of there. We've seen each other at least once a year, back home, but we've never seen each other in our own cities. The subject came up again last night, and it seemed to be the most earnest and concrete plan we've ever discussed.
Once I got home, I kept thinking about this possibility. I actually planned out exactly what we'd do, from lunch in the old port to curling up on the couch to watch Spinal Tap (why Spinal Tap? I don't know.), and I felt like it was really happening. Not even in a drunk, hallucinatory way. It was awesome. When I woke up this morning (okay, almost this afternoon), I looked around to see where he'd gone. It took about 6 minutes to remember that he was not, in fact, here in Montreal yet.
The fact that he has a girlfriend might make this a little more complicated, but for now I'm choosing to ignore that variable.
Lately I've been having very resolving dreams. Whatever issues and problems that come up during the day are solved overnight. I wake up feeling relaxed and efficient before realizing that nothing has been dealt with. The most frustrating part is forgetting how I resolved certain things.. and those I can remember aren't exactly logical in real life. Whoops.
What makes someone have incredibly vivid dreams? For the past few months I haven't had anything surreal going on in them; it's just day-to-day life, and all the aspects I can remember are pretty mundane. They could have actually happened (not necessarily today, but in the past few years). I really want my subconscious to give me something wacky someday soon, something truly dream-worthy. Let's work on that.

Writers of The Office, Take Note

Andy Bernard should refer to Jim and Pam as "Tuna and Tunette" at some point in the new season. That one's yours to keep, guys. Free of charge.

Saturdays.

I love Saturdays, especially rainy ones like this. I've spent the entire day doing the following:
-buying cookie-baking supplies,
-not baking said cookies,
-watching The Office Season 4 DVD extras,
-while having 50 First Dates on mute in the background,
-wearing a t-shirt that has a picture of Superman on it that has Ladies Man written beside him,
-reading Mindy Kaling's blog ,
-indulging in the perfect Sunday Morning Fantasy (see Oct. 2007 of aforementioned blog).

Should my hair be brown? I think it should. At least for a while. We'll see how that goes.

I'm going to take some great pictures of my apartment soon, once I start treating every room in here like my bedroom. Ironically enough, I have used every room in this apartment as my bedroom except the kitchen and my actual bedroom. Literally. I've slept on the bathroom floor, dining room floor, and in the living room on the couch since I moved in. Long story (actually, not really - my wonderful moving friends had to take apart my bedframe to get it in, and I didn't want to make them put it back together thinking I could do it myself but I seem incapable of using any kind of tool [that's what she said?]), but there you go. I moved almost a month ago, and I still haven't unpacked a few boxes and suitcases. On my dining room table right now is a skirt, a belt, a gum wrapper, 3 notebooks from the past 7 years, a box of garbage bags, and an empty shoebox that I can't seem to throw out. I think shoeboxes are the kind of thing you can't throw out because you think that, someday, you WILL use them for something, storage or sending a wicked package to someone, and you never know when you'll get the chance to buy another pair of shoes and get another sweet free box. Maybe your brain doesn't work that way, but mine does. Some of the other shoebox-related ideas I've had over the years are:
shoebox window planters for herbs (before I remembered that they're made out of cardboard).
shoeboxes as the perfect catch-all for the crap beside your bed that you're too tired to put away properly at the end of the night (nothing scandalous, just notebooks or regular-type books or remote controls).
shoeboxes as a classier-looking garbage can in any room, for when you don't actually want to walk all the way to a garbage can.

This list could go on forever, of course. But I'll stop, for your sake as well as for my multitasking brain. I think I'm over stimulated.

Mad Props to R. Stevens for this topical Diesel Sweeties comic:

see more hipster robot webcomics and pixel t-shirts

For the record, it was 8:47 when I left the house. Shame, shame. But, in my defense, I forgot that I needed to put out the garbage before I left, and I also had to kill a scary spider.
Last night I kept trying to just turn off the lights and watch tv until I got tired enough to turn it off and fall asleep. The most annoying thing kept happening to interrupt me, however - there was a lone mosquito flying around my apartment. Whenever the lights were on, I couldn't see it. When the lights went out, it immediately buzzed around in front of the television. This, of course, just strengthened my resolve to kill the goddamn thing. Every time I saw it, I jumped up from the couch and switched the light back on. It's like it had an invisibility cloak, or chameleon powers or something. What a piss-off. It probably sucked a pint of blood while I was sleeping, the bastard. I saw him again this morning, but (again) had no luck in ending its miserable life. Balls.
I got a phone call from an old friend from Chester at 3:20 this morning. I wanted to tear his head off, because the reason he was calling was to tell me that he was in Montreal (which I knew, from the 4 text messages he'd sent me earlier in the evening) and to say "uhhh... so what's up? wanna hang out?" Three o'clock. C'mon.
I have yet to call him back, but I will before the end of today. I've got a good Today List going, actually. One thing I can cross off? That's right, the garbage. Awesome.
I broke down and did 2 loads of laundry last night. Surprisingly, I think I only have 3 more loads to do before everything's clean again. The laundromat is 3 blocks West of my apartment, and fortunately across the street from Burritoville (home of amazing homemade nacho chips and delicious burritos) and practically next door to my favourite neighborhood bar. Oh, the good times I'll have! I just have to make sure I don't forget about the laundry altogether after eating and drinking for a while. Hmm. Potential problems ahead.
Time to do some theoretical law conundrum reading. I know there was something else I wanted to comment on, but for now I'll just throw out a few worthwhile links.
Cover story on John McCain, just because we haven't done one in a while. (The Onion, my favourite news source)
Some interesting quirks and superstitions, inspired by a twitter post.
Feeling that election fever and want to vote for something RIGHT NOW? How about Don Levandier's Hockey Night Theme? Trust me, it's awesome.
Another favourite Onion story: Pedophile Nervous for First Day of School.

I like a song that can say "I like olives/I like you too/so when I tell you that I love you don't test my love/accept my love/don't test my love/because maybe I don't love you all that much." If you can incorporate food into the bridge, I think I'm set.
That song is Dan Bern's Jerusalem, by the way. A friend made me a great mixed CD a couple weeks ago, and I can't stop listening to it. I love the fact that most of my friends have impeccable taste. The Frames were a key component of that CD as well; if Muxtape was still an active site and not being investigated by the RIAA I'd post Fighting On The Stairs. If you have a real player, I think you can download this track (or some form of it) here.
It's now 8:05, and I was planning to be at school by 8:45 to beat the rush into the bookstore. The damn Frames search kept me busy for 15 minutes. I love the internet! Such an easy time-waster! This morning I'm going to see my bank account go into cardiac arrest over the price of some of these books, so I'd better just get it over with.. I'm betting I can go from sitting in front of the computer in pyjamas with a cup of coffee to Dressed and Out the Door in... 25 minutes! Go on, TIME ME!