A Very Special Evening With...

I never (EVER) watch awards shows, but tonight I feel like there's really nothing else on. Besides, I have homework to do, and actually getting it done will clear my Tomorrow list. So! Live-blogging the Emmys! Usually, live-blogging is used for political speeches or something equally irrelevant; for this reason, I think tonight's rather appropriate. Time to go on about something very few people care about!

8:05 - Show's a-startin'. What a bore. Reality host nominees as hosts? What, the 5 most recent American Idol winners weren't available? They're just as boring. C'mon. They drone on and on about how they have nothing prepared, and they haven't written anything, and they went to Ryan Seacrest's house (to be honest, I'm not entirely sure which one he is, or why he's famous). I see Heidi Klum, that Hollywood Squares guy, the Survivor guy, the guy who reminds me a little of Jeff Goldblum but who's not as interesting except for his germaphobia (OH! REFERENCED IN THE OPENING! WELL DONE!), and then some blonde dude. I'm bored already... maybe this wasn't such a good idea. CSI must be on somewhere, and it's got to be funnier than this shit.

8:32 - Juuuust got better. Neil Patrick Harris and Shatner both lost their nominations, and those were the only two I really cared about anyway. But! Bright side! Ricky Gervais is presenting... something... and he and Steve Carrell are having a nice moment of staring each other down. Apparently last year he won for Extras, and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert gave his Emmy to Carrell because Gervais wasn't there. Now Gervais is trying to steal his back. I bet the tech guys are going crazy right now. "What the fuck is this?! That guy from the Office looks pissed, do you think he's in on it? Oh SHIT! He TOTALLY IS! OK, it's ok everyone, let's just let it play out... wait for it... ok, let's cut off some mics... never mind, they're finally getting to the nominees."

8:47 - Tommy Smothers, I think, just got a great lifetime achievement award from Steve Martin. Now, I have no idea who this dude is, but apparently Martin wrote for him, and that's good enough for me. What is it about a standing ovation that makes everyone tear up? I know I am. Maybe that's just me. But I'm pretty sure it's everyone. This little old dude's going on about liars in government or something along those lines, and everyone's applauding. Way to go.

8:50 - Conan just burned Katherine Heigl. OHSNAP

9:01 - Josh Groban's doing a medley of TV theme songs. This is really confusing, and pretty annoying. Quick, ones I can identify: Jeffersons (now), Simpsons, Friends, Law & Order chimes, Addams Family, Twilight Zone, Baywatch, uuuh.. Love Boat?, Brady Bunch, Cops, Fresh Prince (nothing better than an opera singer doing Will Smith), Late Night show medley, something about men, Gilligan's Island, MASH, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, lady with a Dorothy Hamill(?) haircut. OK, thank god they've moved on to Alec Baldwin. This I can understand. He's talking about being a perv. Love it. To give you an idea of how long that song was, it's now 9:06.

9:08 - Laura Linney just called someone a "ballast." Now I need to look it up and see if it's an insult. God, this is a lot of work.

There are a LOT of commercials on TV. No wonder I don't usually bother. Oh! A Beautiful Mind's on! That British dude's fi-iiine.

9:15 - This is apparently a "Laugh-In" reference presentation. I don't know what they're presenting for, or what's going on. Ehhh? Whatever the category was, it went to Jon Stewart. Bravo. Great job getting a pen jabbed in your eye in The Faculty, Jon Stewart, because that's what I decided this award is for.

9:22 - nervous Pushing Daisies director-guy is reading a loooong speech. He's totally gonna get cut off. I wish Paul Lieberstein had won, or Paul Feig because he's a genius. So far The Office is 0 for 3, so I want a win soon. Lee and Gene, my favourite Office writers, are up for the next one (writing). Let's see what happens!

9:25 - fuck! Tina Fey. Oh well, 30 Rock is awesome too. But I'm in love with Gene Stupnitsky, and not Tina Fey.

9:33 - Martin Sheen looks really short. I'm looking that up. 5'7".

9:46 - I've gotta say, I have no idea what half of these shows and movies are. Never heard of 'em. But the guy who just won (for something called "John Addams" flashed to Tom Hanks, and I think he's wearing rhinestone glasses. And they just cut to commercial in the middle of his speech. oh, and they all seem to be telling me to vote. Can't believe the news of the Canadian Federal Election's such a big deal in Hollywood!

spoiler alert: RUSSELL CROWE IS SCHIZOPHRENIC. Back to the Emmys.

9:56 - Kathy Griffin just yelled at everyone to "GET. UP." for Don Rickles. His response: "why is everyone standing? is it a Jewish holday?" After some more quality banter, he adds, "there's a guy waving at me. What, is there a plane landing?" That's probably going to be the highlight of the show, I should quit while I'm ahead.

10:10 - Don Rickles just won another Emmy, with another standing ovation. More tears! More Tears! "It's a mistake! I've been in the business for 55 years, and the biggest award I got was an ashtray from the Friars Club in New York." Hah! No one's trying to rush this guy off the stage. I bet he could speak for an hour, and no cue music would be on.

10:12 - I think Kate Walsh just gave the most flat introduction to an award. EVER.

10:27 - Looks like Alec Baldwin's got a hot young blonde on his arm tonight. Score, dude. He just won for actor in a comedy (and well-deserved, too.. but I did want steve carrell to win something), and I love watching the whole show just stand up and get all crazy-like. It happens with every group, and it's awesome. So cute!
Oops, sound problems! Someone's mic isn't working... nope, we can hear Vanessa L. Williams again. Too bad.

10:30 - time for the montage of people who died last year. Way to bum everyone out, Emmys.

10:42 - Tina Fey wins again! Says she won because she acts like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, so thanks to her. Well played, Tina Fey. Well. Played.

10:57 - Final award goes to Mad Men, well deserved. Disappointed that Boston Legal didn't win anything, but at least Shatner was on stage.

Well, I hope that if you didn't watch (which I'll assume is most of you) you don't feel like you missed anything. There's a cheesecake brownie with my name on it waiting in the fridge.